Hello world!

I am trying to be an underachiever or in case I fail at that–a little less of an overachiever.  There has to be a place between the two extremes. Hence, I intend to find it. I don’t think my drive to  overachieve would be present if I were born in the 19th century.  Perhaps I would have been content to follow the narrowly defined gender roles back then.  I certainly would not be trying to do it all–motherhood, career, education (i.e. finish a Ph.D.)

So to some extent, the traditional gender role gave women something to expect from themselves. Something oppressive in nature, yet manageable. Today’s endless possibilities afforded to women create a mild neuroses. One day a woman can be a stay-at-home mom and the next a corporate lawyer, or a combination of the two, either way the message is mixed and the expectations are out there.  This is reminicent of Alexis de Tocqueville’s critique of democracy. Tocqueville pointed out many of the key problems with democracy in America. One of which, transpires from the countless opportunities or perceived opportunities afforded from freedom. One day, a man can be a farmer, the next a business man.  The opportunities inherent in a democratic society can create sheer misery. A man can never be truly content with himself because there is always a better version of himself in the distant future as long as he pursues “more”.  Tocqueville, who stood on the shoulders of Plato, had the right idea about American society.  It took an outsider from France like him to recognize some of the key issues with democracy.  So like Tocqueville’s critique on democracy, so is my critique on a woman’s role in today’s society. Today, women receive mixed messages.  They are persecuted for working too much, scrutinized for not working enough, and chided for not doing more, more of what? In addition to these careers we are supposed to excel in, we are also expected to be the janitors, social directors, interior decorators, chauffers, and homework helpers in our households. Basically do everything and whatever you are or aren’t doing just know “it is not enough.” Or if you are in my position where your husband actually helps you at home, you are critized because “he is doing your work.” These are the mixed messages we are receiving, which I believe stem from a combination of second and third wave feminism, the right-wing narrative, and post-modernism in general.  So in my attempt to do less, I have to go back and posit the root of this issue.

To get there, I think about Aristotle, who unlike his predecessor Plato, believed women were completely inferior to men.  And to some extent, (although I disagree), rightfully so, given the context of the time. Why would a male philosopher challenge the status quo pertaining to women, especially if it were to his evolutionary advantage to keep women “in their place?” And although I owe a debt of gratitude to Betty Friedan, and like her take issue with women being kept “in their place” as Aristotle professed, I am arguing for a little leeway for women to “do less.”  I am asking for permission for women to be less guilty about what they choose–career, motherhood, or both–and less obsessed with what they are doing or not doing because of it. I want women to be able to say “no” to themselves the way I want to say “no” to myself when an unrealistic expectation arises.

I like Aristotle’s sceptic calm in his writings.  I love his motto: nil admirari, which means to admire or marvel at nothing. My marveling at the endless possibilities afforded to women in my era coupled with the society’s conflicting voices regarding my role has brought me to this place. My admiration for women like Hillary Rodham Clinton (yes I admire a Clinton) who graduated from one of the most prestigious colleges–Wellesley–and went on to do much more–marriage, family, a successful career–has possibly influenced my high standards.  So now I intend to embody the sceptic calm of Aristotle’s writings–to marvel at nothing for myself, and to admire no one.

I just want to accept the possibility of me without a Ph.D. and me without the long list of accomplishments I still set out to do.  Since I still assume what I have done isn’t enough. A marriage, a family, a master’s degree, countless published articles, a black belt, an editing job at a magazine? The list goes on, and I am embarrassed to write the rest. Because in print I am ashamed of all the things I felt I had to accomplish (some of which I really want to do, some of which I did not). I am thankful for my marriage and my family.  I know I did the right thing, but why the need to do more and at what expense?  Remember I have a husband who helps me at home with the laundry, cleaning, and dishes.  I know you traditionalists might think “shame on me.” I am learning not to care. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me because I just recognize people (such as Aristotle, with whom I gravely disagree on certain matters) for their good points.

Speaking of which: nil admirari!